I saw your web site through Bob Olson’s article on psychics and mediums. Laura, my 15-year old daughter has decided she wants to come back and live with me. Is this a good idea for both of us? I have a great desire to be a good mom. She is very needy, needs much attention and is possessive of me. Please advise me how to handle this in a way that promotes both of our well-being.
Thank you for writing in. Yes, this is doable, providing you put out some clear ground rules and systems for communicating. You can do it! To ensure the overall success, write out a contract with each other stating what you promise and ask her to state what she promises. Then sign it in front of each other.
Create a habit of regular family meetings to talk about what’s working and what needs improving on a weekly or biweekly basis. Always include the good along with the areas needing work. Designate a special bowl or jar for slips of paper where you are both writing down items when issues come up that need to be addressed (by each of you) and at the meeting, pull from the jar and discuss the concerns and solutions.
Build into the plan that she has regular time away (including overnights) with her other custodian, overnights with friends and more so that her life circle expands, not contracts with the new arrangements.
A professional counselor will be important for both of you so that each of you has a safe place to process, explore and learn. You may also want to have joint sessions so that when difficult things come up you have a neutral party to help guide you both toward solutions. If you live near a major university, many of them have free or sliding scale counseling centers with services offered to the public.
Lastly, your daughter would benefit from the Bach Flower Remedy Chicory which is designed for balancing out possessiveness, clingy-ness, and neediness. Walnut is a great remedy for change and transition for both of you and of course Rescue Remedy is wonderful for stress of all levels. You may want to add in some Elm, for when you are feeling overwhelmed. You can purchase these using the links above to access our HealthWave portal and get a great discount, or at any good health food store.
Remember, at the end of the day it’s all worth it. You both have a lot to learn from each other. It’s a great chance to put some new boundaries in place and grow together. Best wishes to you both!